Namaste. Abundant trust in me greets the same in you. When we meet in trust, the world becomes an open, inviting and friendly place. Maybe you doubt me because you have trusted before and been hurt too many times. Maybe you have been trusted and you know you have let people down. Trust is so fragile and yet you also know that the world would be a harsh and suspicious place if you never trusted. Don’t give your trust recklessly. Give your trust mindfully, aware that there are no guarantees and you might be hurt again. In your calmest moments, you know that the risk to keep your heart closed is nothing in comparison to the joy of sharing love.

As I speak about trust, consider your own relationships, whether they are romantic, family, friendship or business relationships. Where are your relationships on the trust spectrum?

The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed. He announced, “I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!” “What are you worried about?” asked the other. “We’re both here.”

They were seriously lacking in trust. We are in the midst of a crisis of trust. A recent study showed that only one third of Americans think that others can be trusted. Forget about whether we trust government, Wall Street or the judicial system. That’s a topic for another day. For now just let the personal nature of the trust crisis sink in. We don’t trust each other.

I’m not particularly surprised. Another study shows that 75% of business students admitted to cheating in College exams. Then we wonder why we are the Enron generation. 63% of Medical students admitted to cheating in exams, which means that there is greater than a 50% chance that the doctor you are trusting with your health was untrustworthy at school. We struggle to trust each other, the media, the government, the church, our work colleagues, and maybe the most insidious consequence of all is the lack of self trust. Can you trust your own judgment?

Are There Any Guarantees?

The first question to think about when you consider trust is whether you expect guarantees in life? Do you look to spirituality for certainties and guarantees, or is spirituality about an inner strength to deal with uncertainties and lack of guarantees?

When it comes to relationships, there is no such thing as absolute certainty. As Comedian, Randy Millholand said, “There are people I know who won’t hurt me. I call them corpses.” Trust offers no certainties, or else trust would not be required.

Maybe that sounds too jaded or cynical. Is it cynical or is it empowering?

Annie Dillard offers a powerful image for going to church. She says that if you truly realized the intensity of what you were doing in church, you would wear a crash helmet. “It is madness to wear ladies’ straw hats and velvet hats to church; we should all be wearing crash helmets. Ushers should issue life preservers and signal flares; they should lash us to our pews.”

When you use the name of God you invoke a spirit that can never be rocked no matter what the breech of trust. This God compels you to keep taking risks for love, to risk looking like a fool for the adventure of being alive. This God is an inner calling to be in relationship with life, with others, with all that is, even when life seems harsh and unforgiving.

I can’t tell you how often I have presided over weddings, looked at the beautiful veils of brides, and wondered if couples should be wearing crash helmets rather than a veil. I have married couples who seemed to genuinely think that they were the first couple in history who would never have an argument. They don’t yet know that love is an act of faith. I sometimes feel like sending couples out with the instructions, “Do not try this at home without a safety net. It’s risky!”

Trust is risky, but to not take the risk is unthinkable. It poses the most challenging of questions- Are you prepared to fully embrace life’s adventures, get hurt and keep getting back up again?

Trust and Love

Trust is the mother of love. You will be relieved to know that I have never used my crash helmet analogy at a wedding. If you can’t be hopelessly romantic on your wedding day, then when can you be?

Something I do say is that trust is more important than love. Saying to another person ‘I trust you” is often more profound than saying “I love you.” You may not always trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. Trust is a gift. When you offer someone the gift of trust, you create an opening for something greater. Trust frees you from your fears and helps you give birth to love.

Building Trust in Relationships

Evangelist, Billy Graham, tells of a time when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist Church this evening, I will tell you how to get to heaven.”

The boy replied, “I’m not sure if I can trust you… You don’t even know how to get to the post office.”

While I share very little in common with Bill Graham’s message, I would say that he is a man who has been completely trustworthy in his life. His behavior has matched his message. It counts for a lot. I feel deep respect for the man, despite our quantum differences in message. Trust doesn’t depend on agreement. It depends on character and integrity, two qualities that Billy Graham seems to have in abundance.

Stephen Covey, son of Stephen Covey who wrote Seven Habits of a Highly Effective People, wrote a book called The Speed of Trust; The One Thing that Changes Everything. He offers the analogy that every relationship has a trust account. When you build trust, you make a deposit. When you break a trust, you make a withdrawal. The withdrawals are typically larger than the deposits. Therefore the fastest way to rebuild the trust account is to stop making withdrawals. The other way to rebuild trust is to make new deposits. It’s as simple, and as difficult, as that.

Here are some practical ways to rebuild trust.

Make small deposits first. There are big things to entrust to someone, and there are smaller things. How many people would you trust as a babysitter? Probably very few. What about telling someone a secret, or starting a new business with someone? Again, very few. But would you be prepared to trust someone with a smile, or a kind word, even knowing that they might abuse your vulnerability? When trust is damaged, start by making small deposits into your trust account and build confidence.

Gather information to get the greatest return on your investment. Trust, to a certain extent, is rebuilt on information. Instead of taking a blind leap of faith, take a calculated risk. Gather as much information as you can before you trust, but keep in mind that trust implies incomplete information. Wendell Berry said this- “Knowledge, like everything else, has its place, and… we need urgently now to put it in its place… Let us…abandon our superstitious beliefs about knowledge: that it is ever sufficient, that it can of itself solve problems… Let us give up our forlorn pursuit of the ‘informed decision.” Gather information, but also be prepared to take a leap with incomplete information.

Don’t confuse trust with forgiveness. They operate differently. You usually forgive people well before you trust them. You might forgive an apologetic jewel thief, but not leave him alone in a jewelry store. You might forgive people who have hurt you, but not leave them alone with your heart.

Each person has their own trust account. People operate their trust accounts differently. You really need to deposit into the other person’s trust account in a way that speaks to that person. Garrison Keilor tells a nice story about a couple who had been married for many years. The woman wrote a sonnet to her husband that amongst all the things she loved about him it was when he was working on the broken washing machine that she gained a “trust for tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.”

Balance your trust account by matching what you say with what you do. Who will ever forget Bill Clinton’s famous words- “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” If you liked him, you were so eager to believe him. The betrayal was made so much worse by his deceit. He lost the trust of even his closest supporters. If you have breached a trust, don’t make things worse by lying about it. Take responsibility quickly, and begin regaining broken trust.

Trust – What Are You Protecting?

Trust is fragile. On the one hand, this is true. You carry the scars to prove it. The more you are hurt, the less easily you offer your trust, and the more guarded you become.

On the other hand, it’s worth asking the question, “What is it that you are you protecting?”

Is it your feelings? Your feelings are about as predictable as a Michigan summer. They rise and fall like the tide. Are you feelings something solid that you can protect? Rather than protecting your feelings, try experiencing your feelings as a gateway to a fuller experience of life. You will only take your feelings personally to the extent that you see them as some solid entity that needs protecting.

Is it your self image? Your self image is about as fixed and unchanging as the seasons. It is in constant flux. What is it? Do you really need to protect your self image or simply let it grow and change? Once you let go of the fixed sense of self, you will be liberated from taking betrayal personally and there will be nothing to protect.

Is there anything real and solid that needs to be protected?

A Zen Master lived the simplest kind of life in a little hut at the foot of a mountain. One evening, while he was away, a thief sneaked into the hut only to find there was nothing in it to steal. The Zen Master returned and found him. “You have come a long way to visit me,” he told the prowler, “and you should not return empty handed. Please take my clothes as a gift.” The thief was bewildered, but he took the clothes and ran away. The Master sat naked, watching the moon. “Poor fellow,” he mused,” I wish I could give him this beautiful moon.”

When you realize that your essence doesn’t depend on your feelings, there is nothing to fear. When you stop the illusion that you own your self image, there is nothing that can be taken from you. When you remember that the separation between you and others is just an illusion of the ego, you have nothing to protect. When someone tries to steal your trust, you wish them well and offer them the moon as well.

Maybe you don’t need a crash helmet after all. Life is generous, if you are prepared to see her gifts. People are flawed, but there are always opportunities to rebuild trust. You have an inner courage to get back up after being hurt and keep loving anyway. You are held in the arms of a Great Trust. Let go, join the amazing dance of universal surrender and trust the adventure of being alive.