Transcript for June 21, 2009 by Ian Lawton

Happy Father’s Day to all. I celebrate fathers, grandfathers, uncles and all those in the village who take seriously your role in mentoring and nurturing young people. I acknowledge those who have intimate relationships with fathers and grandfathers, those who have lost fathers and those who have unresolved tension with fathers. Today is the summer solstice, tomorrow is new moon and Mars and Venus are very near together in the night sky. It is the celestial triple play. May this time of planetary alignment be an opportunity for healing and growth.

And I celebrate the divine masculine in every one of us. Did I just say divine masculine? Have I just reverted to God as a man?

A young boy asks his father, “Daddy, is God a man or a woman?” The father launches into a long lecture on the nature of God and how God is neither male nor female, black nor white, straight nor gay. His son replies, “Oh, so God is Michael Jackson?”

The reason we find it so hard to imagine the divine masculine is because we have lost touch with what it means to be masculine. During the week I had an error in the sermon title. It may well be a Freudian typo. (the sermon was listed as “The Diving Masculine” instead of “The Divine Masculine”) The diving masculine is quite an accurate description of true masculine energy in today’s world. We seem to be forgetting what it is to be masculine, and why it matters. It is spiraling into oblivion. So, what better day than Father’s Day to liberate the Diving Masculine and reinvigorate the Divine Masculine so that men everywhere can be free to express what it is to be men, and women can relate to men who know what it is to be men.

Will the Real Men Stand Up!

Gender is a confused topic these days. The pendulum has swung from wild inequality to greater equality. However it seems that masculinity has been a casualty, kicked in the butt by the fast swinging pendulum. So much has happened in 40 years.

Do you remember the famous scene with Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady? Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” Cue the big band music…..

Why can’t a woman take after a man?

Men are so pleasant, so easy to please.

Whenever you’re with them, you’re always at ease.
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?

Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;

That was 1964, and the chauvinism was naked and shameless. 1964 was also the year that the Civil Rights Act made it illegal, for the first time, to discriminate according to gender. Henry Higgins was lucky to get away with his sexist ditty.

We have come a long way from Henry Higgins. But now the subtle message, certainly in many spiritual circles, is “why can’t men be more like women?”

This has created its own backlash. By the mid 1990s, the men’s movement was struggling for an identity. One of my favorite TV shows in the 1990s was Ally McBeal. One of the characters, Billy, was accused of being a chauvinist so he took himself off to a men’s support group.

He introduced himself to the group. “Hello. My name is Billy, and I’m a male, chauvinist pig. I need to feel worshipped.” It was all going well, with their gender sensitive mantras and drumming, until Billy brought a friend to the group who gave an impassioned, persuasive speech about men not denying their natural instincts. He rallied the group to reclaim their masculinity and the scene ended with the whole group of reinvigorated men chanting, “Give me back my manhood.”

This was the mid 1990s, and it coincided with The Million Man March and Promise Keepers, with millions of men gathering in a mall in Washington, seeking divine blessing on their male leadership. Bikers and middle class family men gathered and wept as they did the wave and praised Jesus. Im sure that much good has come of these movements, but they haven’t helped to clarify what masculinity is other than to perpetuate chauvinism justified by literal Bible interpretations.

Then in 2000, a feminist group at Stockholm University pushed gender equality to an absurd extreme. They demanded that all urinals be removed from men’s bathrooms because they were discriminatory towards women. They suggested that the urinal stance was symbolic of oppression. There is a strong movement in Scandinavia to eradicate all distinctions between men and women. Where does that leave masculinity, or femininity for that matter?

It raises the question posed by feminist Elizabeth Debold in the What is Enlightenment magazine last year- “Where have all the Vikings gone? How did they become persuaded to take a seat?”

Will all the real men please stand up! Reclaim a masculinity that is both authentic and culturally relevant.

Fatherhood and Masculinity

Fatherhood has been one of the casualties of the diving masculine. I can’t tell you how often I talk to men who lament that they aren’t very good fathers, and after further conversation the problem is that it’s not clear how to be a father if you are confused about what it is to be masculine.

The problem begins in the delivery room, where the role of men is confused. There are things that men are tempted to say in a delivery room, but under no circumstances should these words ever be uttered.

I need to sit down. I’m feeling a little squeamish.

When our first was born, I took my role as support very seriously. I stayed very close to Meg’s face whispering calm thoughts about breathing, when she reached out and grabbed me in a headlock. She squeezed tight and didn’t let go for 12 hours. I could neither breathe, nor speak. Two weeks later in the chiropractor’s office, I reflected on the experience.
Expectant fathers, it is my best advice that you should never make any reference to pain or light headedness while in the delivery room. Suck it up, and keep quiet.

Small talk with nurses.

When our second was born, a childhood friend was the midwife on duty that day. She was intent on catching up on old times with me, while Meg panted and moaned the hours away. She saw so many births every day that it never crossed her mind that this was a three times in a lifetime experience for us. At certain crucial points in the process, I was making small talk with the widwife.

So it is my strongest opinion, fathers, that small talk with midwives is not a good idea.

I’m hungry.

Our third born caught us by surprise. At a certain point, it seemed like she was still a way off making an appearance. So I said, “I’m a little hungry. Do you mind if I get something to eat?” I arrived back with a mouth full of muffin to find Meg in full birth flight.

My third piece of advice for expectant fathers is never to say “I’m hungry” in the delivery room. Some other phrases to avoid include, “toughen up”, “I’m not sure I’m ready for this”, “Is that normal?” and certainly anything that begins with “my mom says….”, The role of the father is minimal and less than pivotal, but your warrior presence counts for something.

The Father’s role begins in earnest after the screaming dies down. My heart melted as I held each of my three new born children, and something chemical, something spiritual, something earth shattering took place. I knew that I would do anything to see these kids thrive. My life was brought back into perspective. I saw myself as part of something that was bigger than me, and longer lasting than my life.

The experience of being a father is a roller coaster. It goes something like this-

4 years: My Daddy can do anything! 

7 years: My Dad knows a lot…a whole lot.

8 years: My father does not know quite everything.

12 years: My Dad does not know very much.

14 years: Two kids are arguing at school. One says, “My Dad can beat your Dad up.” The other replies, “Yes, can we arrange that.”

21 years: What. I have father!

25 years: He knows a little bit about it, but not much.

30 years: I must find out what Dad thinks about it.

35 years: Before we decide, lets get Dad’s opinion first.

50 years: What would Dad have thought about that?

60 years: My Dad knew literally everything!

65 years: I wish I could talk it over with Dad once more.

It can be dangerous being a Dad. I heard the advice, “Never raise a hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.”

Yesterday I was with my two youngest. We were running up and down five mile hill. I took my shirt off, which led to a lot of embarrassment and pleading to put it back on. My kids have some simple rules. 1. No Speedos at pool parties. 2. Stay fully clothed when in public.

This reminds me of a wonderful story I heard during the week.

A father and son are going to the movies. They have just bought a live chicken from the markets and don’t know what to do with it. So the father stuffs the chicken into his pants.
Inside the theater, the chicken starts to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick its head out.

Sitting next to him are two old women. The one closest to the father nudges her companion and whispers, “Lucy, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!”

Her companion whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”
“I know, but this one’s eating my popcorn!!”

The Return of the Prodigal Masculine

Part of the problem with thinking about masculinity is that it only ever has meaning within a particular context, and usually in some type of balance with femininity. In other words, masculine and feminine are self correcting energies, and we all have some balance of them both. If you take one without the other you end with an overly aggressive man, or an overly submissive woman.

The parable of the prodigal son is usually understood to be about the forgiving nature of God. The son is given space to find himself and then accepted back when he needs to return. As the men’s movement guru, Sam Keen, said “To become a man, a son must first become a prodigal, leave home, and travel to a foreign country, and travel solo into an alien place before reconciliation.”

Maybe the parable is also saying something about the dual energy of the divine. Do you know Rembrandts painting, Prodigal Son? Rembrandt paints the two hands of the Father so that they are quite different. The left hand rests firmly on the son’s shoulder, strong and muscular. The right hand is tender and soft. The fingers are elegant and it lands gently on the son’s shoulder offering consolation.

It’s not that one hand is a man’s hand and the other hand is a woman’s hand. If you think that, then you definitely haven’t seen my 6 year old daughter holding her own with her big brothers. The point is that the two hands bring complementary energies. One holds. The other caresses. One confirms. The other consoles.
(Henri Nouwen – Return of the Prodigal Son)

If the father in the parable is God, then the character brings a perfect balance of both energies, masculine and feminine.

Masculinity as Compassionate Warrior Spirit

Maybe this reinterpretation of the Prodigal Son guides a new understanding of masculinity. It’s not so much about what is unique about men and women. Its about predominant masculine energies, culturally defined, that are balanced with their feminine polarities. It’s about both/ and, and the resulting balance that brings.

David in the Old Testament was both an artist and a warrior. He both played the harp and he slayed Goliath. Both energies, the artistic and the warrior, can be misused. Remember that David killed Uriah just to get Uriah’s wife. And David misused his art to woo beautiful women.

Maybe the healthy balance is to bring a warrior spirit to art, and an artistic spirit to life’s challenges.

When I was a teenager, I loved sport, but I didn’t make friends who were into sports. After leaving the football field, I listened to off beat music and wrote poetry. Maybe you can relate in your own way. You refuse to be typecast.

May we be men and fathers who can be whatever the circumstances call for, whether it’s fiery determination or gentle nurturing.

May we be men and fathers who balance the masculine drive to competition, with a generous appreciation for other people’s efforts.

May we be men and fathers who have character and flexibility, giving up self in service of the whole.

May we be men and fathers who model independence, self responsibility and empowerment without running away from intimacy.

May we be men and fathers who are so trustworthy that we can be fully present and loving through the layers of wildness that life brings. You don’t have to solve problems, just walk through the fire without shrinking.

May you have the calm spirit of a samurai, and the determined resilience of a warrior. Will the real men please stand up and be counted! Warrior spirit in me greets the same in you. Namaste.